What’s on the other side of fear?

We have all been there. That moment when you feel those butterflies in your stomach giving you that nausea feeling, when your heart starts beating so fast you are afraid it might explode, when your mouth suddenly goes dry like you would be in the middle of the Sahara desert or when the palms of your hands get so sweaty that looks like you just washed them.

And then the voice that tells you "you will screw this up". You know the voice I am talking about, the one that keeps reminding you that " you are not good enough, why you are even trying to do this?".

We all feel fear at some point in our lives. Perhaps it’s a presentation you need to give, a meeting you are going to lead or a job interview you are about to go to. The problem is when you let that voice win and you back down. Yes, there is an immediate sense of relief, the sick feeling on your stomach goes away. You can breathe normally again. And the voice tells you that you have avoided what could have been a disaster. Phew !

In reality what happened is that fear has just pulled you right back into your comfort zone. Over time, fear erodes your confidence, you start second guessing your decisions and the hesitation starts to slow you down.

We feel fear because we cannot predict the desired outcome with certainty. We are not afraid of speaking, we are afraid of making a presentation in front of people because we are uncertain of the people’s reaction and judgements to our performance. The thing with our brain is that it prefers predictable negative consequences over uncertain outcomes. Why? Because uncertainty equals danger. And if your brain does not know what’s around the corner, it can’t keep you out of harm’s way. So your brain creates a "horror movie" story in a attempt to gain certainty and tells you to run away from that harmful outcome and back into the comfort zone, where you are safe. The truth is, the thing you fear is not what is holding you back, it is not knowing if the actions you will take will create the results that you want. And because you are not sure you do not act.

That’s where I was 1 year ago. I had finished my executive coaching program and I wanted to start coaching and yet that voice : "you don’t know what you are doing, you have no experience, you definitely don’t have enough knowledge. What if you don’t make it ?". And so for 6 months instead of pursuing my vision, I did nothing. I reasoned: " I don’t have to do this, I am already busy enough, it is not so bad ". Sure it is not so bad but it is not the life I want and can have. So I hired a coach and here I am writing my second blog post. I don’t know what the future holds, I don’t know if I will make it as a coach, I don’t know what other people will think of it but what I do know is that I am not letting fear run my life.

But what if we could remove the uncertainty ?

" It always seems impossible until it’s done", Nelson Mandela If someone told you to walk barefoot across hot burning coals placed in front of you from a blazing fire what would you do? How would you feel? What thoughts would run through your mind? Burn? Pain? Fear?

Last year when I attended the Tony Robbins seminar "Unleash the Power Within" at the end of day 1, I was asked just that. My first thought was: "there is no way I am going to do this. This is impossible". My instinct was to flee. I mean, this was day 1 of the seminar and I definitely had not found yet the "power within " me to be able to do something like that. Have they lost their mind? So I stood there for a few minutes, paralysed by fear. And all I could think about were my feet burning with bloody blisters and getting rushed to the hospital. Then I looked around and realized all these people taking off their shoes to prepare for the fire walk, and I wondered what would their thoughts be, what were they seeing that I was not? Were they not afraid? I felt I had to do something. What if I could remove the uncertainty from my outcome? How? I switched my focus from what could go wrong from walking across those hot coals to the feeling of satisfaction I would feel from having done it successfully. At that moment, I realized I could it and I would definitely do it. I started seeing myself walking boldly and confidently across that hot bed of coals. I could see myself jumping up and down of joy when I reached the other side of the walk, hugging complete strangers and celebrating this wonderful achievement. I could feel how proud I would be of myself for being able to do something that brave. I could hear myself calling my husband afterwards to tell him I did it, that I walked trough the fiery coals. I started to feel excited about doing it. The firewalk did not seem an impossible task anymore. Because I have seen myself doing it successfully over and over again in my head, I felt an amazing confidence growing in me. And when my turn came to finally walk barefoot over the hot glowing embers, even if I felt tempted to look down and take a peak at the red coals, I told myself: "look up, you know you can do this, you have seen yourself doing it, remember how happy and proud you will feel when you reach the other side". I saw myself walking fearlessly one more time in my head and I took the first step and then the next and without even realizing it I had already walked across to the other side.

I can’t explain the sense of joy and accomplishment I felt. I felt so much energy. I felt like a rock star. I felt like there was nothing in the world I couldn’t do. And somehow my feet were fine. There wasn’t even one single blister on them.

And like that, something that had seemed impossible suddenly become possible.

You don’t have to walk across a hot bed of coals to overcome fear and get to the other side. Life is a series of firewalks that are scary and seemingly impossible to surmount. More often than not fear will handicap your chances of succeed in the areas you want to. We talk ourselves out of the things before we even try. We make ourselves into who we are, every day by what we think we can and cannot do. My firewalk experience will always be a reminder to me that the only limits that exist are those that we set in our own minds. If you decide to do something new or if you want to achieve a goal, it’s very likely that you will have those voices in your head that keep telling you how difficult it is, what can go wrong, why you shouldn’t do it. If you listen to those voices you can easily give up and end up doing nothing.

Remember, everything you want is on the other side of fear: achieving your goal, braveness, pride of accomplishment, confidence, self-respect, excitement, the realisation you can do more than you thought you could! So, if you want to achieve your goals don’t think about your fears, instead see yourself " walking on hot coals without getting burned", focus on what is on the other side and one step after another keep walking and once you are there celebrate it. You did it!

We all have fears, but it is what we do with those fears that will make the difference. If we focus on our fears, we will get nowhere. If we focus on what we want, we can get anywhere.

Echoing the words of Richard Branson: I’d rather look back on life and say "I can’t believe I did that" than "I wish I’d done that". How about you?